Even Mutant Sperm Stop and Ask for Directions?

Very, very sad

2006-09-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

My good friend Sara just lost her baby yesterday. This was her third second trimester loss. The first two didn't seem to be incompetent cervix, so the doctors didn't think that was a concern and were instead treating her with progesterone and a course of antibiotics in case her previous losses had been caused by a rapid decline in progesterone or an infection. She's been spotting and bleeding throughout, but it was thought to be irritation to the cervix causing it. However, when she went to her doctor yesterday, she was already starting to dilate and they were going to do an emergency cerclage, but her water broke. Her baby girl was born at just over 16 weeks.

The hardest part of maintaining a friendship online and becoming close to others online is the inability to provide a real shoulder to cry on or support from a friendly, sympathetic face. I'm struggling with this very issue at the moment. I'd love to really be able to be there for her, but all I can do is talk to her online and/or on the phone.

I'm completely at a loss for word, just incredibly sad and angry that this happened to such a wonderful person yet again.

Bad blogger!!!!

2006-09-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am the world's worst blogger. I haven't updated this thing in over a month!!

I suppose I should let you all know (if anyone still bothers to read this!!) that I'm now 24 weeks, 3 days along and Liam is doing great! He kicks me all the time and it's just the coolest thing in the world - even now that the kicks are quite a bit stronger than they once were! Due to the short timeframe in between my EDD on December 23rd and spring classes starting on January 17th, I talked to my OB about inducing labor on December 26th if he's not here yet. She's not sure about the holiday scheduling yet, but said if we can't do the 26th, we can definitely do the 21st. I want him to come on his own, but it's more important that I be able to spend time at home with him before school starts... so if he's not here, we induce. I'll find out more about that at my next regular appointment: September 20th.

Oh, I quit my job and started school full-time a couple of weeks ago so that's a whole new set of worries! How am I possibly going to take care of this little guy, go to work part-time, and attend school full-time??? I guess I'll figure it out!

Other than that, my life is pretty dull as usual, so not much else to post. :(

I WILL try to be better about updating this damned thing though!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

2006-07-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

And boy, is he active! He was moving around so much that the tech had a really hard time getting all of the measurements she needed, but she determined that his growth is right on target and all of his organs appear to be properly developed. At one point, we did have a bit of a scare with regard to his heart because she couldn't get all 4 chambers open at once. However, she took the pictures to the radiologist who announced that his heart looked just fine. Talk about making my heart stop!!

Anyway, we asked her if she could tell the gender and she said she was pretty sure she'd seen a little penis a couple of times and thought he was a boy. Then when she got all of his measurements and everything, she took a closer look and wouldn't you know it, he was resting comfortably with the umbilical cord in between his legs, but we could still see his junk right next to it. As if on cue, he then flipped over and flashed us and there is not a doubt in my mind that this is a little boy! The chances of gender determination via ultrasound being incorrect when a boy is involved are pretty darn slim. You pretty much know exactly what you're looking at. :)

So... it looks like we have a healthy baby boy with all of his parts intact. It's funny because we were SOOOOOO sure we were having a girl, but we're just thrilled that our boy is healthy and bouncy. He's going to kick the hell out of me soon if his energy on that ultrasound is any indication of how active the little guy really is!

My husband and I are going to send a card to my RE to let him know the good news and to let him know that everything is progressing as it should at this point. We also want to thank him and his nurse (who kicks much ass by the way) from the bottom of our hearts for everything... even though they didn't have to do a whole lot.

We're now awaiting the arrival of our son, Liam Reid. It feels weird actually being able to say "son" with certainty, but I just love it! We actually get to go finish our registries this weekend and we're very much looking forward to it!

If finding out that our little boy is healthy made my day yesterday, add to that the fact that I was also offered the job I interviewed for on the spot, and I was just giddy all damned afternoon. I know I had a silly grin on my face all day today, but who cares? I have a healthy boy... AND a job that doesn't care at all that I'm pregnant and will need to take a couple of weeks off over winter break.

I hate to rain on my own parade, but sometimes it just seems too good to be true.

17 weeks!

2006-07-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, I made it to 17 weeks and according to Dr. Doppler, there is still a healthy fetus in there with a superfast heartbeat... staying consistently over 155 beats per minute.

Over the past few days, I've had some fairly intense stretching sensations on the right side of my uterus. It seems to be more painful after sleeping or lying down for awhile. It sucks when I have to pee with a full bladder too, so I have to pee damned near constantly to try to avoid that agony. While the pain sucks tremendously, if this is what I have to endure in order to get my baby here in December... BRING IT ON!

I felt some bubbly sensations last night when I went to bed, but I'm not sure if it was gas that never escaped or the baby moving around in there as that is how I've heard the first movements described. I guess I'll be able to know for sure pretty soon. Eventually those kicks and punches will be unmistakable, but for now all I can do is wonder.

Our next ultrasound is Wednesday at 12:45 pm CST and we're hoping for a glimpse of the package or lack thereof. We're so excited about the prospect of knowing if this baby will be a Lily or a Liam, but even MORE excited about seeing our little one in there once again. Thank god for the doppler. If I didn't have it at my disposal any time I need reassurance, I'd be thinking for sure that there would be a dead baby on that monitor on Wednesday. However, we can rest assured that aside from any potential evidence of birth defects, our baby will be just fine.

Wednesday is going to be very, very busy. So much for a day off work!!!

10am - Haircut
12:45pm - Ultrasound
3:00pm - Job interview!! (which is pretty much a sure thing!!! Yay!!)
4:15pm - OB appointment

My husband is just too cute when it comes to the baby. He likes to rub my belly, which is finally starting to grow, but not enough for other people to notice it yet, and he tells our little one good morning every day.

I don't think I've mentioned this on here before, but he has a little boy from a previous relationship... a little boy he has not seen in 6.5 years because his ex is a whore and they had initially had an arrangement for visitation, child support, etc., but it was never done through the courts, so one day she took off with the baby and refused to allow him to see his son nor was he given a forwarding address to which he could send child support. My husband was then diagnosed with cancer and couldn't afford to hire a lawyer to go to court due to the expense of his cancer treatments and as the time passed, it became more difficult to find her, let alone figure out how to resolve the issue. Due to the fact that Matthew has not seen his father in years, we wonder if it would be better to just leave things alone rather than turning his life upside down. It's just an all-around difficult situation.

My husband is thrilled about the new baby, but I see in his eyes a distant sadness and I know he's thinking about the son he hasn't seen in so long. It just breaks my heart. We can only hope that one day Matthew decides he wants to meet his father. Circumstances have kept them apart for so long now, but I have hope that they will one day be reunited and Matthew will come to know the absolutely amazing man who has been missing from his life.

What the fuck...

2006-07-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyone and their mother is out to piss me off these days. First off, my boss is constantly riding my ass to finish the training manual and go over it with the girl who will be taking my place when I leave my job the first week of August. That much I can understand, but every single time I do ANYTHING she asks me "Is that in the manual?" NO IT IS NOT! I can't detail every single fucking thing I do all day. There's so much variety in the things that come up in a giant university bureaucracy that it's IMPOSSIBLE to write everything out in detail. The damned thing is already up to 96 pages typed in 12 pt Times New Roman font. Not to mention, she wants things cross referenced with other related items elsewhere in the manual. At some point, it has to be considered "complete" so I can actually DO that. If I keep adding things, the pages get all screwed up and I have to redo the entire table of contents and cross reference points. It's insane and a bit too much to ask of one person!

Perhaps I'm just being pregnant bitchy, but Jesus H. Christ... I can't do EVERYTHING. I can't ensure that the person following in my footsteps, so to speak, will even read the damned thing... let alone be able to figure out anything on her own if it's not right there in front of her. I'm trying to ease the transition as much as I can, but I am only one person and I need to do something other than write shit for the desk manual for hours on end. I'm about to go nuts! I've been working on getting it all together for weeks now and it seems like every time I think I've got it just about done, there's something else she wants me to add... and sometimes she hasn't a CLUE what she's talking about!

Don't get me wrong, I love my boss to death and think she's a wonderful person, but sometimes her expectations are a LITTLE too high. The person who is taking over for me has it a LOT better than I did as my instructions and notes are a bit more explicit than the ones that were left for me. It's detailed and very step-by-step oriented, so I don't know what the hell the problem is. My boss got pissed off at me when I snapped at her this morning because I was going over something with the girl who is taking my place and my boss says "Are you taking notes for the desk manual?" (No, I thought I'd leave that part out so it can be a big surprise when that girl tries to do it again later.) Duh... I've taken notes for everything else, why the fuck wouldn't I take notes for that too?

We have this asshole who is threatening to sue the university if he's not admitted. He's even gone so far as to accuse me of discriminating against him because he's disabled. No... I just told him he needs to submit his application for graduate school just like everyone else. What a jerk! He got really shitty with me over the phone, so I told him his circumstances are out of my hands, I've done everything I can to help him, and I won't tolerate being spoken to that way, so he needs to deal with someone else.... not me. Congratulations Dr. G you have a brand new asshole to deal with!

My husband is telling me what I will and won't do after the baby is born. "You won't want to go to school." Uhm...I won't? Thanks for the vote of confidence, dear. Love you too. He says "Oh, we won't need that" when it comes to things I've put on the registry. For example, the wipes warmer. I don't know about you, but I don't like cold wet things on my ass, so I doubt the baby will either. We're having a baby in December and even with the heater on, the wipes are moist so they will likely be barely room temperature. I don't want to subject my already irritable dirty/wet baby to that in the middle of the night. It's bad enough that he works nights, so I'll have to manage things on my own from 8pm until 4:30am... right during the hours I'll be trying to sleep so I can get up in the morning for work/school. He gets out of this easy! My mom's taking the baby during the day so he'll have a blissfully long day of sleep without a child waking up to be fed and/or changed every couple of hours. That is, if I don't call to wake him up every few hours just to be a bitch. :)

Last but not least, my mom's bugging me with the constant "Are you sure it's a good idea to quit your job and start working part time so you can go to school?" Well, now that you mention it, not entirely, but if the fall semester goes badly, I'll be the first to admit it and find myself another full time job right after I have the baby. I'm not stupid. I know the limits to what I can and can not do and I've figured up the finances well enough to survive off Mike's salary, what I should earn at a part-time job (bare minimum), and financial aid money remaining after paying my tuition/fees/books. I think we can manage.

I'm afraid that if I were to put off going back to school until the "right time", I'll never finish my degree and I'll be stuck with a job that's entirely unfulfilling and completely lacking in intellectual stimulation for the rest of my working life, which is another 40+ years. No thanks. Finishing my education is ultimately the best thing for me and my family. It'll be tough getting there, but it will be so much more rewarding when all is said and done.
Eh, I'm sure I'll get over all of this soon enough, but people need to just let me be and have a little faith/trust in me to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. I can't stand people breathing on the back of my neck or peeking over my shoulder constantly. It drives me nuts!

On a more positive note, Baby L is still doing well according to the doppler. I think I managed to count the heartrate tonight and it seems to be about 150 bpm and as strong as ever. Our big ultrasound is on the 19th, so we're waiting to see if our feelings are correct and this is, in fact, a girl. Hopefully the kiddo puts on a good show for us... legs spread wide and far, please!!!!!

It seems so unfair!

2006-07-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling incredibly guilty about my current pregnancy for awhile now, but am now really feeling the need to post about it. I wanted to get pregnant again more than anything, but now I'm feeling torn. I've recently read several blogs written by women who have experienced MULTIPLE losses and extended infertility treatment. Meanwhile, I have had only one miscarriage, one brief stint in the "never gonna get pregnant again" slump, and now I have uneventful pregnancy with a perfectly developing baby (so far anyway).

Several of the women I work with have been unable to get pregnant, or finally sought treatment, had miscarriages, and were out of the game entirely. I can't help but think about how my soon-to-be obviously pregnant belly is going to make them feel. I know they're happy for me, but I'm so sad for them and it just makes me sick that they won't have the chance I do now.

I don't know... I guess somehow I feel I cheated the system, so to speak. My husband and I were all but convinced we'd need IUI AT LEAST in order to get pregnant again when all it took was an HSG and a lot of luck. I just want to ball up and cry every time I hear or read about someone's struggles with infertility, or loss, or both and it just seems so incredibly unfair that there are so many families out there who want nothing more than to have a child and that want... that NEED... is ripped away from them time and time again.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and fit into one of the aforementioned categories and are currently feeling like I have NO PLACE to talk about this. I just want to let you all know that I think of you and the countless familes out there who are suffering in silence damned near constantly. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, to make the pain go away for each of you, but I can't. All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and hope that one day your dreams come true.

Wow!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

HOLY SHIT! I think we're gonna have a baby sometime in December!! :)

Today I'm 13w4d and we had another ultrasound! The baby is absolutely perfect! S/he was bouncing around in my uterus, so it was hard for the doctor to get a good picture, but she managed. L was waving arms and legs around like crazy! It was so cool to watch! The doctor didn't give us the heartrate and I was so excited that I forgot to ask, but she said it was "very strong" so that's good enough for me!

Rather than posting the ultrasound pictures directly on here, I decided to just upload them to a website so you can opt to take a peek. Click here if you want to see my cute little baby. If not, just keep reading.

We think this is a girl (and have all along) because we don't see any boy parts in the picture, but the next appointment is July 19th and we'll have another ultrasound that day if my insurance will cover a gender determination ultrasound in the doctor's office. If not, we'll have to schedule an appointment at the hospital, but it shouldn't be too difficult to get in. So, either way (assuming baby cooperates) we SHOULD know the gender within the next 4-5 weeks.

I got my doppler today too! I took it over to my mom's house so we could listen to the heartbeat and then I listened to it again when I got home. I didn't get one of the fancy digital heartrate display dopplers and it's beating so fast that it's hard to count the beats AND keep track of the time. I'll get it down one of these days. All I know is that it's there, the baby's still alive, and I couldn't be more thrilled!

Wow... this is finally starting to sink in. I'm going to be a mommy! Exciting, but terrifying at the same time....

What are the odds?????

2006-06-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

We went to my dad's yesterday to give him his Father's Day gifts, one of which was a t-shirt and hat set that read "#1 Grandpa" to see how long it would take him to figure it out. He didn't get it, but my stepmom did! She was really excited and then told me that my stepsister is pregnant too!! She's due just 9 days before me, so that's actually kind of neat! Heather and I were really close when we were growing up as I'm just 6 months older than her, but unfortunately, we both moved away and grew apart. I still love her dearly. :)

She's not having this baby under the best of circumstances because the father is a total prick and apparently wants nothing to do with it, but my sis is keeping the baby and that's that. She's scared of being a single mom, but she has lots of support from family and friends, so I'm sure she'll be fine. She's 14 weeks along and the baby was doing great at her last ultrasound, so hopefully we'll have two new additions to the family in December.

My dad is flying her out from Georgia in September, so I'll get to see her then! I'm sure that'll be fun as we should both be showing quite a bit by that point. Might be cute to have some pictures done while she's here. It's not often you have sisters due that close together.

Unfortunately, my other stepsister is not faring too well in the trying to conceive department as she lost an ovary due to an ectopic a few years ago. She has two beautiful daughters from previous marriages, but has been unable to get pregnant this time around. I feel so bad for her because I know how it feels to be hopeful every month only to find out it was all for naught. :(

Anyway... Father's Day turned out to be great! We had a good time with my dad yesterday and I have really got to start making more of an effort to see him more often.

I rented a doppler today, so it should be here on Tuesday. I'm only planning to keep it until I can feel the baby move, since I shouldn't need it after that. I'll post again with news on Wednesday after the ultrasound!

Finally updating....

2006-06-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

I have been HORRIBLE about not updating this thing, so this is going to be a pretty long post. I got back from vacation over two weeks ago and baby still seems to be doing fine, or at least he/she was when I went to the doctor on June 1 and heard the little heartbeat thumping away at 170bpm on the doppler. My next appointment is next Wednesday, 6 days from now, and I wish I had gone ahead and ordered the damned doppler!!! Oh, well.... I can hold out for 6 more days, I guess.

Until then, I just keep looking at this 8w4d ultrasound picture!! Granted, it doesn't look like much more than a blob, but I know what it is!!!

Vacation was fabulous... other than the fact that it rained all the time and I appear to have barometer nipples. When it was windy and rainy, they THROBBED and turned purple.... it sucked.

Anyway, here are some pictures of the trip!!

My mom and I found this picture incredibly amusing, even moreso because it was placed on a street lined with nothing but hotels:

Westminster Abbey!

Just me standing outside Westminster Abbey. I was joking with my mom about how my pagan ass would catch on fire or something ;p

Speaking of Mom... this is her on the little ferry boat when we took a tour around Loch Lomond.

Stonehenge was a purely spiritual experience for me... too bad its perfection was somewhat marred by the RAIN WIND AND COLD on the Salisbury Plain.

These war protestors were camped right across the street from the Houses of Parliament. Men after my own heart!!!

Me sitting outside Buckingham Palace...

These gates were simply stunning. It's hard to do them justice with a mere photograph, but I tried! They led to gardens outside Buckingham Palace.

This is me in St. James's Park. This was one of the most beautiful things I saw in London.

Another picture of St. James's Park. I would have been very content curled up with a good book, assuming it stopped raining for more than half an hour.

This mounted bobby in St. James's Park was more than happy to let us take his picture! :)

The National Gallery as seen from Trafalgar Square. We spent HOURS in this place and only saw a fraction of the works it houses.

The Roman Baths in Bath, England are incredibly well-preserved for their age.

Me....

Blue skies (for once) over Bath Abbey!! The architecture of this building was incredible!!!

This rainbow appeared as we were on the bus heading back to Edinburgh from the Scottish Highlands. It was so vivid and lasted for a really long time!! Most of the pictures of Scotland were taken on a disposable camera due to technical difficulties with my digital - I'll post them later.

This is me in Winchester, England with barometer boobs kicking in high gear. I was in so much pain that day!

Anyway, that's my update for now. Hopefully, I'll get off my lazy ass (or sit on my lazy ass) and post updates more frequently. I'll definitely post on Wednesday when I get home, hopefully with a better picture of little Baby L. MAYBE we'll get lucky and if this one is a boy, we'll see some telltale hangy down bits. :)

Baby "L"

2006-05-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

Had my second ultrasound today and baby is doing great! The heartrate was up to 176 bpm and I actually got to see him or her move around in there! My husband couldn't go with me, so my mom went with me instead. She was so excited to see her little grandbaby!

I'm being released to my OB officially on June 1, when I have my first appointment with her. I'm pretty scared to be leaving my RE as I feel pretty safe with him. Not to say that my OB isn't good, but I don't really know her in the context of pregnancy care as I made it just far enough for the nurse interview last time. I never made it to my actual visit with the OB... except for the post-miscarriage follow-up appointment, and of course, my pap. She's been great every time I've seen her, but I just don't know!! I guess I'm scared to be leaving behind what is known to make that journey into the unknown. Then again, I guess that's what pregnancy is all about! :)

My husband and I have decided to call our baby "L" for the moment as both of the names we have picked out begin with that letter. Granted, the name can always change, but I think we're fairly locked into the boy's name. The girl's name isn't quite so solidified. We're hoping for a little girl, but a boy would be just as wonderful! I was the last girl born on both sides of my family, so having a girl would be really, really neat!

I leave for the UK tomorrow, so I can't even begin to express how elated and RELIEVED I am that our little baby is doing so well! Had things gone badly today, I certainly wouldn't be going on vacation. My mother's side of the family is in the UK and I haven't seen my grandmother and my aunts since I was 3 years old. I saw two of my uncles in 1998. The other two uncles I have never met. They all know my mom is coming to visit, but I'm a surprise. I hope my poor Gran doesn't die of a heart attack! I'm planning to tell my UK family about the little one. I just think it'd be kind of wrong to be pregnant and finally see them all again, or for the first time ever and not let them know that I'm expecting.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now. I just thought I'd post an update before I leave. Expect a long post complete with vacation pictures when I return in about 10 days!

Dreams.... :(

2006-05-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so where the hell are MY sex dreams? I keep reading about all of these women who have totally kick ass sex dreams when they're pregnant, even to the point of waking up mid-orgasm! Instead, I keep having dreams about ninjas and my evil unruly ass eyebrows!!

Example #1

I had this dream where I was on a farm complete with cows, chickens, goats, horses, and sheep. Anyway, from out of nowhere, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and out jumped a ninja, so I run into the pasture and three ninjas ducked and rolled behind cows as I tried to run away. Thank god I woke up at that point!

Example #2

In another dream, I was walking down the sidewalk on my peaceful suburbian college campus. It was a beautiful day...warm, but not too hot, and with a nice breeze and suddenly a ninja landed on the sidewalk in front of me. He turned around and looked at me as he placed his finger to his lips "Shhhh!" and took off running like a bat out of hell. I stood there in stunned silence with a profound "What the fuck?" look on my face for what seemed like an eternity.... and then I woke up.

I'm not even going to detail the eyebrow dream... it was just too horrifying. Anyone seen Salma Hayek's eyebrows in the movie Frieda? 'Nuff said.

So I ask again.... where in the hell are MY sex dreams? Ninjas and eyebrows just aren't doing the trick. Especially since we've been told to abstain from sex until my next appointment, which is Wednesday. Even then, we may get one romp in the sack before I head off for vacation on Thursday, without my husband.....

Gah!!!!!

Feeling better....

2006-05-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, now that the dreaded 1 year anniversary has passed, I do feel a bit better. It helped sooooo much to get all of that out. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and for taking the time to read my rambling.

My husband wrote me the sweetest letter yesterday. He's not very good at sharing his emotions, especially not verbally. However, that letter said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Sometimes that man really pisses me off.... but he comes right back and totally redeems himself. Then again, I suppose that's a good thing, right? Granted, I can't really be too mean to him right now since the doc says no sex until after the next appointment (6 days from now) and my poor hubby has been staring at my GINORMOUS boobs for the last two weeks practically drooling on himself. :)

I'm still trying to process the fact that I am pregnant again and we've seen the heartbeat. The question remains... will it still be there next Wednesday when I go back to the doctor for another ultrasound? I still have all the symptoms, but I've heard of that happening, even with a miscarriage. I think I'm about to go insane. It kind of sucks because I'm worried about being sent back to my regular OB after next week's appointment. That'll be the last appointment with my RE if all seems well and I'm so afraid I won't be able to have the same care with my OB as my RE is a bit more proactive.

We've allowed ourselves to start daydreaming and looking toward the future a bit, but I'm still hesitant. I have 13 days to go until I'm past the point of my loss. In some ways, the time has FLOWN by. In other ways, it's moving at a snail's pace.

In exactly one week, I'll be flying to London for vacation with my mom. She gets the delightful job of giving me a daily shot of progesterone in the ass. I'm on progesterone suppositories right now, but it'll be a chore to try to keep them cold for 10 days in the UK, so we're opting for the injections while I'm overseas. The nurse said, "Oh, well.. you'll have to learn how to give yourself shots." I was like, "Nope. My mom's a nurse. She can do it." The nurse just laughed and said, "Oh, well that's convenient." Yeah, if the indignancy of having your mother give you a shot in the ass every day is EVER convenient. :)

Oh, well.... anything I can do to try to make Icicle's stay on this planet a long and healthy one, right?

Jesus, I'm rambling again....

Tomorrow - Ethan's Birthday

2006-05-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow it is officially one year since we lost our baby, whom I decided to call Ethan. It's been one year since my hopes and dreams were shattered. One year since I felt the blissful ignorance only a woman who has never experienced a loss knows. One year since I lost my true innocence. One year since I realized just how cruel and unfair the world really is. It's been one year since my baby died and I changed forever.

I started spotting at 7 weeks, just one week before my first prenatal appointment. I called the doctor, of course, and was told that because it was brown, it was nothing to worry about. The spotting continued. I was still spotting when I went for my prenatal appointment, but again I was told it was nothing to worry about unless it changed to bright red. It never stopped. My first ultrasound was scheduled for May 27, 2005.

On Tuesday, May 10, 2005, just 8 days after my prenatal appointment, I woke up and went to the restroom as I do every morning and there it was.... the dreaded bright red blood. I distinctly remember whispering, "No, this can't be happening" as I stared in horror at the blood on my inner thighs, on the toilet paper, and in the toilet itself. I quickly put on a pad and called the doc's answering service because they weren't open yet. I curled up in the fetal position on the couch and waited for a phone call from the on-call doctor. I called my mom, but she didn't answer her phone. I have never felt so alone. I'm eternally grateful that my husband was there to hold my hands and tell me everything would be okay, even though I knew it wouldn't be.

The phone rang. It was the on-call OB and of course, I burst into tears and said I was bleeding. The doctor isn't MY doctor, so she had no idea who I was and asked if I thought I might be pregnant. "I know I'm pregnant," I replied. She told me to call my OB's nurse when the office opened so they could make sure I wasn't trying to miscarry. Trying to miscarry... that's a rather disturbing thought. How in the fuck does one TRY to miscarry? You either miscarry or you don't. There is no trying. There is only failing or succeeding.

Anyway, I went to the doctor's office and was surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their obviously pregnant bellies while all I could do was cry. I remember thinking, "Shouldn't they have a special room for this or something?" Instead, I just went outside as my body was wracked with desperate sobs every time I felt the blood flow freely out of me. My baby was dead. There was really no question of it. There was just too much blood.

Finally, they called my name and my mom came outside to get me. She had finally called back and took me to the doctor's office so I wouldn't have to drive. I took the lab form and walked slowly across the parking lot to the lab. Again, I was surrounded by pregnant women, waiting to have various tests done. Why me? That's the only thing I could think of while I was sitting there staring at them with utter contempt. Why do you get to keep yours and mine has to die?

When I got home from the lab, I went to the restroom and there were clots. I screamed and burst into hysterics. My mom came in to check on me and there was SO MUCH BLOOD! She called my doctor's office and they scheduled me for an emergency ultrasound that afternoon. I knew it was over. My baby was dead, and I had just flushed part of him down the toilet. My baby went to the same place human refuse typically does, which only made the pain more difficult to bear.

I waited around in hysterics until it was time to go to my ultrasound. Doesn't it just fucking figure that as I was in the waiting room, yet another woman came in, but this one wasn't pregnant. She was holding a beautiful newborn baby boy swaddled in a light blue blanket. I was trying to be strong, trying not to cry, but I lost it once again. Finally, it was time.

The tech was very nice, but of course, she couldn't tell me a damned thing. I threw up when it was over. She told me she was giving the films to the radiologist and I assumed I would have the results back that day. Silly me. I waited around all day for that dreaded call, but the phone never rang.

I finally tried to sleep. I woke up at 2am with the most agonizing pain. It felt like someone had stabbed me and was twisting the knife over and over and over again. I just laid there on the couch as the waves of pain came over me for what seemed like an eternity. My husband washed my forehead with a cool cloth as I cried out in pain. I absolutely KNEW it was over at that point. My body had betrayed me and was now getting rid of the last of the baby that had been the center of my being for the previous 5 weeks. I was 9 weeks, 3 days when our baby died. My entire world shattered during those awful hours that my uterus contracted to expel our dead baby.

The next morning, I called the radiology department in tears and this absolute BITCH of a woman asked me why I thought I would have had my results back that day when they guarantee only 24 hours. I asked her if I would have had results immediately if I'd broken my arm, to which she replied that I would have. I asked her if a dead baby was deemed less important. She asked me for my name again and then said rather curtly, "Oh, I have something for you. Call your doctor in a few minutes."

I called and was told that I'd had a miscarriage. I had already known that, but I finally had closure. I was told I would need to come in for more bloodwork so they could monitor my HCG back down to zero. I went in to have blood drawn every two days for the next week or so. I really can't remember. I already had an appointment on the books, so the day that was to be my first ultrasound - my first visualization of my growing baby became my follow-up appointment instead.

I continued to bleed for 3 weeks before it was finally over.

About 6 months after my loss, I finally saw a counselor. I was beyond depressed. However, she made me feel even worse every single time I left her office. She made me feel that I had no reason to grieve for so long afterward. She saw my loss as something less than the loss of a child. In fact, during our last session, I told her that I was haunted by the fact that I flushed my baby down the toilet, to which she replied that it wasn't really a baby. It was just dead tissue. Horrified, I asked her if she'd flush her dead grandmother down the toilet. Of course, she said no... and I asked, "Why not? It's just dead tissue?" I was supposed to see her again on Ethan's EDD - December 13, 2005. I called and told her I wasn't coming and she was actually surprised when I told her exactly why. I let her have it with both barrels. She asked me why I hadn't said something in session, and I told her I thought I had made myself pretty clear. Apparently she didn't catch the dead grandmother comment. What a fucking moron. That counselor did do me a favor though. I now know what I want to do with my life. I want to become a counselor specializing in pregnancy and infant loss and infertility. At least I should be able to offer them the compassion and support they can't get elsewhere.

As I'm reliving the entire experience in my head, I'm thankful that I have another chance at bringing a baby home. However, I just can't seem to remove those images, sounds, and feelings from my mind. I will never forget how I felt when I knew my baby was dead. I will always love my first baby and he will always hold a special place in my heart, come what may. Even if I do have this baby in December, a part of me will always be missing. That part of me died on May 10, 2005.

My husband says I've changed. I just reply, "Yes. I know."

How can you forget?????

2006-05-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

On a message board I frequent, there are any number of women who are close to delivering who seem to have completely forgotten about the baby they lost before. Granted, their road to getting pregnant again wasn't as treacherous or difficult as some of ours, but you'd think they'd show a bit more restraint in gushing their pregnancies all over the fucking forum, flaunting perfectly rounded baby bellies in the faces of those who have recently miscarried, are trying again, or are waiting for test results....

BUT as quickly as they got pregnant again and made it out of the first trimester, they have forgotten what brought them there in the first place: a loss. They don't stop to think about how seeing their pregnant belly makes other women feel. They don't think about the horror of fetal development tickers and how you don't always want to be reminded what your baby looked like at the time he or she died.

I don't think I'll ever understand how they can be so damned insensitive. Just because THEY managed to get pregnant immediately doesn't mean others were, and flaunting that shit in front of everyone else is just tacky. How the hell can they forget what it was like to lose a baby? How can they possibly think that their perfectly uneventful pregnancy should be flaunted in the faces of everyone else?

I know for a fact that I will never forget the little one I lost. I will never forget how it felt to know that my baby was dead. I will never forget how it felt when my baby was expelled from my uterus in a rather cruel fashion at 2 am as the waves of pain came over me one after the other for hours on end. I will never forget how difficult the road to getting pregnant again was, and I will never ever take it for granted, nor will I deem it necessary to consider my pregnancy as being far more important than being sensitive to other people who have experienced what I have.

I just wish others would do the same.

Icicle lives!!!

2006-05-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I am calling my baby Icicle for now because hell froze over when I actually managed to get pregnant.

Anyway, had my first appointment with the dildo cam yesterday. IMMEDIATELY, the doc says, "Okay, we have a pregnancy in the uterus. This is good." (uhh... no shit doc.) And then he said the magic words, "There's the heartbeat." I started crying and squeezed my husband's hand while the doc tried to get a more accurate reading of the heartrate, 120 bpm, which he said was perfect! My EDD was modified to December 23 because the baby was measuring about 3 days behind what we expected, but it certainly explains the low betas initially.

So, my attempts to remain somewhat unattached have gone by the wayside. I'm absolutely smitten. I can't think of anything I want more than to bring this baby home in December, or maybe early January. Seeing that heartbeat was such a magical moment... my very first visualization of what can only be deemed a miracle considering what I know about how DIFFICULT it actually is to get pregnant and STAY pregnant. It's just such a delicate process and I'm simply amazed that my little one is thriving inside my womb right now. I never got to see my first baby, so this was an entirely new experience for me and one I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

I'm 6 weeks, 6 days today and I have another scan on May 17, which is PERFECT because I'm headed to the UK for vacation on the 18th. All I can do is hope that little Icicle will still be alive and well at that point.

Does it EVER end????

2006-05-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

I've spent the entirety of the past 9 months or so waiting.... waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting for AF, and waiting for her to go away again. Now, I'm back to waiting, but this time it's waiting for test results, waiting for ultrasounds, waiting to see if I'm going to get to bring this baby home in December.

I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow and while I'll admit that in many respects the time has utterly flown by, it has also seemed like the longest three weeks of my life. I started out pretty damned sure I was going to lose this baby, only to discover that my little Icicle is doing okay in there. Now that the proverbial carrot has been dangled in front of my face once again, will it be taken away just as quickly?

My ultrasound is Thursday... only two days from now and I'm in a state of near-panic at the moment. Every time I think about what the future holds, my palms begin to sweat and I can feel the anxiety eating away at the very core of my being. I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but I still have another 19 days to go before I get past the point of my loss and it just seems so far away. Granted, there are no guarantees that I will still carry this baby to term if I make it that far, but I need a goal. That seemed as good as any other.

I made the mistake of reading through my file from my OB when I had to take a copy to my RE and discovered that my HCG was only 5092 at 9w3d, the day I miscarried. It should have been much higher than that, even if I had started to miscarry by that point. I had started spotting at around 7 weeks, so I wonder if that's when the baby actually died, but he wasn't expelled from my uterus until I actually started bleeding. I guess I'll never know.

I feel so robbed. So cheated. Why the hell can't I enjoy a blissful pregnancy like so many others do? Why do I have to sit here in a constant state of "cautious optimism" when others get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride... rubbing big fat bellies without a thought of losing their babies? It's just so damned unfair. The whole thing is just a mockery of all that is good and just in the world. Crackheads without the means to provide a loving, supportive home for a baby have no problems conceiving... and no problems carrying their malnourished, low birth weight, drug-addicted infants to term.

Why can't the world work such that people like that have infertility problems... and people like that have the miscarriages while the rest of us who actually WANT our children and will love and care for them the way they need to be will be able to carry to term and enjoy the blissful ignorance of a pregnancy without a previous miscarriage?

Oh my...

2006-04-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

I guess I really need to overhaul this blog, huh Shanna? ;p

It's been awhile since I posted here, but yep... still pregnant and my levels (24 - 89 - 605 - 5677) indicate that things are going well so far. My first ultrasound is next Thursday. It could have been Monday, but my boss won't let me take Monday off, so Thursday it is. Really pisses me off because she KNOWS how long I have been waiting for this! Oh, well. I guess I can try to look on the bright side. I'll be 7 weeks, 1 day on Thursday as opposed to 6 weeks and some change on Monday, so if there is anything there to see, we should be able to see it with no problems.

It sucks because I know I should be eating more than I am, but I just can't. I feel crappy and nothing sounds appealing to me. I finally forced myself to eat a tunafish sandwich earlier, but now I feel like my tummy is in knots. Yesterday I came SO close to just ramming my finger down my throat so I could vomit. Instead, I just sat around feeling icky all friggin day. I wished for morning sickness with my next pregnancy so I would have a sign that things were different from my last one. However, this is ridiculous. Morning sickness is one thing, but feeling sick for 12 hours straight is another thing entirely.

Note to self: When you feel like shit, do not eat gorgonzola cheese!!

Bout damned time....

2006-04-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm finally pregnant again.

Last Monday, I felt like total shit. First, I had a headache that felt as if someone was stabbing the top of my head with a screwdriver repeatedly. Secondly, I almost threw up...twice. Finally, I was so so tired. So, although I had initially intended to wait until Wednesday before testing, I tested the next morning.....

I peed on the stick, saw the control line immediately, got pissed off, hopped in the shower, came back out, looked at the test again, and there it was: the faintest second line imaginable. I made my husband look at it and he confirmed that there was, in fact, a second line. I called my RE's office and they had me go in for betas, but I was crushed when I was told that my HCG was only 24 and progesterone was only 10.1 and that this was likely to be a chemical pregnancy. I cried, of course, but decided that maybe implantation had just occurred later than expected and just MAYBE this baby would be okay.

I peed on another stick the next day... still positive. Now, at this point I knew that my levels would have dropped if this was a chemical pg and there's no way it would have registered on the HPT, so I was still pregnant. I got the lab order to go in for more bloodwork on Thursday. The results came back on Friday and my levels were up to 89, almost quadruple the number they had been only two days earlier. However, my doc's nurse said he was suspicious of an ectopic and would not prescribe progesterone. I wanted to talk to the doc, but he didn't call and his office closed at noon.

I spent the rest of the weekend in a state of semi-panic, until this morning (Sunday) when the doc finally called. Not only was I surprised to hear from him on a Sunday, but he was incredibly nice over the phone and willing to answer all of my questions. He was pleased with the rate at which my HCG was increasing so far, but he's still concerned about the possibility of an ectopic. So.... I go back for another round of bloodwork tomorrow, and because it'll be 4 days since the last, he expects the numbers to quadruple to around 360. IF they go up that high, he's going to start me on progesterone and repeat the bloodwork until my levels increase to 1000 or so at which point I go in for my first ultrasound to make sure everything is in my uterus where it should be. If it's not, his suspicions of an ectopic are confirmed and we take things from there. If everything looks fine, I'll have another ultrasound a week or so later to check for a heartbeat, etc.

I'm unbelievably scared right now. I wish I could just fast forward to December, or even past 9 weeks, 3 days, which is how far I made it with the last one. I'm seriously about to go insane with all of this waiting, and wondering, and WORRYING, but there's absolutely nothing I can do at this point except hope for the best. How I wish I could go back to the days of my first pregnancy where I never even considered the possibility of having a miscarriage. I was so happy then! I am now, to an extent, but I think the fear is just so pervasive that it completely ruins my chances of being completely happy.

Two words: Fuck Miscarriage.

I'll be damned....

2006-04-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

my progesterone was 10.2, which is normal. Obviously, my BBT chart LIED!!!! I'd like to state for the record that although it took her three days to call me back, my RE's nurse is the shit. She said that even though Clomid isn't necessarily indicated in my case, if I wanted to get started on it, she'd go to bat for me with the doc and help me talk him into it, just so my husband and I would feel better by doing something different after all this time of doing the same damned thing without success. The verdict is: there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.... our problems stem from my husband's abnormal sperm.

If I ovulated right after my +OPK, I'm about 10 dpo and I have resolved myself to not test for pregnancy until 14 dpo if AF hasn't shown up by then. Must...not...pee...on...stick!! This is going to take ALL of my willpower. I have a First Response test in my cabinet calling my name, but I'm doing my best to ignore it!!

I had a LONG talk with my hubby yesterday and we've decided that we want to try Clomid alone for the next two cycles and have a talk with the doctor about starting IUI in June.... for 3, maybe 4 cycles if the money holds out. I'm leaving my full-time job in August, so our financial situation is currently a bit up in the air, but I'm thinking that between financial aid and possibly some assistance from my mom, we can do 4 cycles of IUI + Clomid and hope for the best.

My husband completely threw me for a loop yesterday when he said that if I don't get pregnant after the first two IUI cycles, he wants to try it with donor sperm for the last one or two cycles. Initially, we had discussed this a little bit, but he wanted no part of it. Apparently, he's been thinking about everything a lot and has decided that he doesn't care if it's his sperm or not, he wants me to be able to experience a pregnancy. In his mind, it's really not any different than adoption, which is the route we're going to take if IUI doesn't work, but the child would have 50% of my genetics. He said it would be the same way if I had already had a child when we got married, so it really doesn't bother him.

The problem is, I don't really know how I feel about all of this. It caught me completely off guard. Donor sperm wasn't really anything I had considered at great length simply because I thought that he would NEVER go for that from the few discussions we had about it. Just the fact that he loves me so much that he wants me to be able to experience motherhood from the moment of conception, brings tears to my eyes. I know it seems sappy, and that's usually not my style, but he has completely reaffirmed all of the reasons I married him in the first place. I absolutely LOVE my husband.

I Hate People

2006-04-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I had a bit of a car accident when this asshole decided to pull out in front of me in a parking lot. I had the right-of-way, so it was declared his fault, BUT his insurance company has not yet been able to contact him. Before they can determine liability and take any further action on my claim, they have to speak with their insured. Meanwhile, I'm stuck driving a car that was already a piece of shit, but now it's even worse! Chances are, the dickheads at the insurance company will total my car because it was a piece of shit to begin with, and I'll be stuck looking for another piece of shit car to replace it. Had this happened in August when I'll have a better idea as to how our financial situation is going to look with me quitting my full-time job to go to school... things would be a lot better. I was planning to get another car soon anyway... but I wanted to do it on MY terms and when I had time to prepare for it and shop around a little. Now, if only this dickbrain would call his fucking insurance company back so I can remove the sandpaper condom from my ass and try to a) get my car fixed or b) start looking for a new car, I'd be in a much better mood. At least use some lube, ya jerks!!

Okay, so I wouldn't be in a better mood because I went in for my 7 dpo progesterone bloodwork on Tuesday and was told I could call my doctor's office Wednesday morning for the results. I called at 9:30 Wednesday morning (they open at 9) and left a message for my RE's nurse to call me back so I could get my results. I didn't hear ANYTHING from them yesterday, so I called back this morning, again at 9:30 and I didn't hear anything today either. Now, if my progesterone is low, which I'm about 99% positive it will be since I'm pretty fucking sure I didn't ovulate this cycle, my RE said he wants to put me on clomid and progesterone. HOWEVER, I'm due to start my period sometime between Sunday and Tuesday and I'd REALLY like to know what the hell I should anticipate for next cycle. As if all this shit isn't bad enough, the doctor's office can't even pick up the fucking phone and call me back with some simple test results and a short statement of "We're calling in a prescription to your pharmacy. Have fun doing the nasty this cycle!" *nudge nudge wink wink*

Don't get me wrong, usually my RE's nurse is really good about returning phone calls in a timely fashion, so I don't want to string her up for this incident, but christ on a bike, this is just ridiculous! Like all of this isn't stressful enough without having to wait 3 days for some silly bloodwork results!

On a more pleasant note, my husband cleaned the house today!!!!!!!!!! I hate people, but I love my husband. Good thing he isn't a people, otherwise I might be a bit confused. :)

Environmentally Sound CM + Delayed Ovulation

2006-04-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell from the title of this newest addition to the skeletal frame of my blog, the post-coital turned out to be normal. Meaning, my husband's sperm were safely swimming in cervical mucus. Pop Quiz! What do you say to your doctor when he says, "Your cervical mucus looks good." Uhm... "Gee, thanks?" Talk about bizarre! My own husband has never complimented me on the quality of my cervical mucus, so it's more than a little weird to hear it from a total stranger. Well, I guess my doc isn't a stranger anymore... anyone who has placed metal instruments and injected contrast dye in my hoo ha is NOT a stranger.

Anyhoo, he said that IUI isn't the course of action he wants to take right now. He wants to see if timed intercourse will be more effective for three months after the cleansing of my reproductive tract post-HSG. In June, we're to reassess the situation and take things from there. Tomorrow I go in for my progesterone bloodwork. Doc says that if it's low, he's putting me on Clomid and progesterone to help increase the chance for implantation and have a shot in the dark of carrying to term in case I do somehow manage to get pregnant. I'm betting it'll be pretty low since I have had NO temp rise to indicate that I ovulated at ALL, let alone 7 days ago. I guess that means I'll be joining the Clomid and probably even the dildo cam club. Oh joy! I've suspected for months that I have a short luteal phase, but I suppose if this test comes out low, it'll be confirmed. I've already seen it on a few of my BBT charts.

My husband thinks I'm nuts because I joke about dildo cams, mutant sperm, and having things rammed in my junk by some doctor on a regular basis. However, I maintain that without my twisted sense of humor, I would be an absolute wreck. No one should have to go through this shit. Especially not a seemingly perfectly healthy 25 year old woman! I call shennanigans! I know people who totally wrecked their health for YEARS and managed to get pregnant just by breathing heavy (Okay, so it took more than that, but you get my point!) and I'm stuck in limbo wondering if that one pregnancy I lost last year was a fluke!

I'm rambling, so I guess that means it's time to go to bed!

Post-Coital and other Niceties....

2006-03-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

Faster than a speeding bullet, able to fill a small cup with a single jerk... yes, it's mutant sperm! Yeah, at least that's what we found out from my husband's semen analysis in February when we went in for infertility testing after 8 cycles of trying without success following the loss of our first baby last May, which was only after 2.5 years of unprotected sex....

We thought we had just been getting the timing wrong initially. Man, were we wrong.

Turns out, hubby's count and motility are excellent, but unfortunately, the majority (all but 1%) of his swimmers are abnormal and therefore, have difficulty fertilizing my eggs. In addition, I have a luteal phase defect, which is easily remedied.

Anyway, we're proceeding with testing before heading down the IUI route in June. Tomorrow's test is the post-coital. Oh, joy of joys. I get to have sex on command and go in, have some guy poke around in there and take a sample of my CM and hope it didn't kill the mutant sperm.

Here's to hoping my vagina doesn't have the Chernobyl effect. Cheers.