Very, very sad

My good friend Sara just lost her baby yesterday. This was her third second trimester loss. The first two didn't seem to be incompetent cervix, so the doctors didn't think that was a concern and were instead treating her with progesterone and a course of antibiotics in case her previous losses had been caused by a rapid decline in progesterone or an infection. She's been spotting and bleeding throughout, but it was thought to be irritation to the cervix causing it. However, when she went to her doctor yesterday, she was already starting to dilate and they were going to do an emergency cerclage, but her water broke. Her baby girl was born at just over 16 weeks.

The hardest part of maintaining a friendship online and becoming close to others online is the inability to provide a real shoulder to cry on or support from a friendly, sympathetic face. I'm struggling with this very issue at the moment. I'd love to really be able to be there for her, but all I can do is talk to her online and/or on the phone.

I'm completely at a loss for word, just incredibly sad and angry that this happened to such a wonderful person yet again.

Bad blogger!!!!

I am the world's worst blogger. I haven't updated this thing in over a month!!

I suppose I should let you all know (if anyone still bothers to read this!!) that I'm now 24 weeks, 3 days along and Liam is doing great! He kicks me all the time and it's just the coolest thing in the world - even now that the kicks are quite a bit stronger than they once were! Due to the short timeframe in between my EDD on December 23rd and spring classes starting on January 17th, I talked to my OB about inducing labor on December 26th if he's not here yet. She's not sure about the holiday scheduling yet, but said if we can't do the 26th, we can definitely do the 21st. I want him to come on his own, but it's more important that I be able to spend time at home with him before school starts... so if he's not here, we induce. I'll find out more about that at my next regular appointment: September 20th.

Oh, I quit my job and started school full-time a couple of weeks ago so that's a whole new set of worries! How am I possibly going to take care of this little guy, go to work part-time, and attend school full-time??? I guess I'll figure it out!

Other than that, my life is pretty dull as usual, so not much else to post. :(

I WILL try to be better about updating this damned thing though!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

And boy, is he active! He was moving around so much that the tech had a really hard time getting all of the measurements she needed, but she determined that his growth is right on target and all of his organs appear to be properly developed. At one point, we did have a bit of a scare with regard to his heart because she couldn't get all 4 chambers open at once. However, she took the pictures to the radiologist who announced that his heart looked just fine. Talk about making my heart stop!!

Anyway, we asked her if she could tell the gender and she said she was pretty sure she'd seen a little penis a couple of times and thought he was a boy. Then when she got all of his measurements and everything, she took a closer look and wouldn't you know it, he was resting comfortably with the umbilical cord in between his legs, but we could still see his junk right next to it. As if on cue, he then flipped over and flashed us and there is not a doubt in my mind that this is a little boy! The chances of gender determination via ultrasound being incorrect when a boy is involved are pretty darn slim. You pretty much know exactly what you're looking at. :)

So... it looks like we have a healthy baby boy with all of his parts intact. It's funny because we were SOOOOOO sure we were having a girl, but we're just thrilled that our boy is healthy and bouncy. He's going to kick the hell out of me soon if his energy on that ultrasound is any indication of how active the little guy really is!

My husband and I are going to send a card to my RE to let him know the good news and to let him know that everything is progressing as it should at this point. We also want to thank him and his nurse (who kicks much ass by the way) from the bottom of our hearts for everything... even though they didn't have to do a whole lot.

We're now awaiting the arrival of our son, Liam Reid. It feels weird actually being able to say "son" with certainty, but I just love it! We actually get to go finish our registries this weekend and we're very much looking forward to it!

If finding out that our little boy is healthy made my day yesterday, add to that the fact that I was also offered the job I interviewed for on the spot, and I was just giddy all damned afternoon. I know I had a silly grin on my face all day today, but who cares? I have a healthy boy... AND a job that doesn't care at all that I'm pregnant and will need to take a couple of weeks off over winter break.

I hate to rain on my own parade, but sometimes it just seems too good to be true.

17 weeks!

As of yesterday, I made it to 17 weeks and according to Dr. Doppler, there is still a healthy fetus in there with a superfast heartbeat... staying consistently over 155 beats per minute.

Over the past few days, I've had some fairly intense stretching sensations on the right side of my uterus. It seems to be more painful after sleeping or lying down for awhile. It sucks when I have to pee with a full bladder too, so I have to pee damned near constantly to try to avoid that agony. While the pain sucks tremendously, if this is what I have to endure in order to get my baby here in December... BRING IT ON!

I felt some bubbly sensations last night when I went to bed, but I'm not sure if it was gas that never escaped or the baby moving around in there as that is how I've heard the first movements described. I guess I'll be able to know for sure pretty soon. Eventually those kicks and punches will be unmistakable, but for now all I can do is wonder.

Our next ultrasound is Wednesday at 12:45 pm CST and we're hoping for a glimpse of the package or lack thereof. We're so excited about the prospect of knowing if this baby will be a Lily or a Liam, but even MORE excited about seeing our little one in there once again. Thank god for the doppler. If I didn't have it at my disposal any time I need reassurance, I'd be thinking for sure that there would be a dead baby on that monitor on Wednesday. However, we can rest assured that aside from any potential evidence of birth defects, our baby will be just fine.

Wednesday is going to be very, very busy. So much for a day off work!!!

10am - Haircut
12:45pm - Ultrasound
3:00pm - Job interview!! (which is pretty much a sure thing!!! Yay!!)
4:15pm - OB appointment

My husband is just too cute when it comes to the baby. He likes to rub my belly, which is finally starting to grow, but not enough for other people to notice it yet, and he tells our little one good morning every day.

I don't think I've mentioned this on here before, but he has a little boy from a previous relationship... a little boy he has not seen in 6.5 years because his ex is a whore and they had initially had an arrangement for visitation, child support, etc., but it was never done through the courts, so one day she took off with the baby and refused to allow him to see his son nor was he given a forwarding address to which he could send child support. My husband was then diagnosed with cancer and couldn't afford to hire a lawyer to go to court due to the expense of his cancer treatments and as the time passed, it became more difficult to find her, let alone figure out how to resolve the issue. Due to the fact that Matthew has not seen his father in years, we wonder if it would be better to just leave things alone rather than turning his life upside down. It's just an all-around difficult situation.

My husband is thrilled about the new baby, but I see in his eyes a distant sadness and I know he's thinking about the son he hasn't seen in so long. It just breaks my heart. We can only hope that one day Matthew decides he wants to meet his father. Circumstances have kept them apart for so long now, but I have hope that they will one day be reunited and Matthew will come to know the absolutely amazing man who has been missing from his life.

What the fuck...

It seems like everyone and their mother is out to piss me off these days. First off, my boss is constantly riding my ass to finish the training manual and go over it with the girl who will be taking my place when I leave my job the first week of August. That much I can understand, but every single time I do ANYTHING she asks me "Is that in the manual?" NO IT IS NOT! I can't detail every single fucking thing I do all day. There's so much variety in the things that come up in a giant university bureaucracy that it's IMPOSSIBLE to write everything out in detail. The damned thing is already up to 96 pages typed in 12 pt Times New Roman font. Not to mention, she wants things cross referenced with other related items elsewhere in the manual. At some point, it has to be considered "complete" so I can actually DO that. If I keep adding things, the pages get all screwed up and I have to redo the entire table of contents and cross reference points. It's insane and a bit too much to ask of one person!

Perhaps I'm just being pregnant bitchy, but Jesus H. Christ... I can't do EVERYTHING. I can't ensure that the person following in my footsteps, so to speak, will even read the damned thing... let alone be able to figure out anything on her own if it's not right there in front of her. I'm trying to ease the transition as much as I can, but I am only one person and I need to do something other than write shit for the desk manual for hours on end. I'm about to go nuts! I've been working on getting it all together for weeks now and it seems like every time I think I've got it just about done, there's something else she wants me to add... and sometimes she hasn't a CLUE what she's talking about!

Don't get me wrong, I love my boss to death and think she's a wonderful person, but sometimes her expectations are a LITTLE too high. The person who is taking over for me has it a LOT better than I did as my instructions and notes are a bit more explicit than the ones that were left for me. It's detailed and very step-by-step oriented, so I don't know what the hell the problem is. My boss got pissed off at me when I snapped at her this morning because I was going over something with the girl who is taking my place and my boss says "Are you taking notes for the desk manual?" (No, I thought I'd leave that part out so it can be a big surprise when that girl tries to do it again later.) Duh... I've taken notes for everything else, why the fuck wouldn't I take notes for that too?

We have this asshole who is threatening to sue the university if he's not admitted. He's even gone so far as to accuse me of discriminating against him because he's disabled. No... I just told him he needs to submit his application for graduate school just like everyone else. What a jerk! He got really shitty with me over the phone, so I told him his circumstances are out of my hands, I've done everything I can to help him, and I won't tolerate being spoken to that way, so he needs to deal with someone else.... not me. Congratulations Dr. G you have a brand new asshole to deal with!

My husband is telling me what I will and won't do after the baby is born. "You won't want to go to school." Uhm...I won't? Thanks for the vote of confidence, dear. Love you too. He says "Oh, we won't need that" when it comes to things I've put on the registry. For example, the wipes warmer. I don't know about you, but I don't like cold wet things on my ass, so I doubt the baby will either. We're having a baby in December and even with the heater on, the wipes are moist so they will likely be barely room temperature. I don't want to subject my already irritable dirty/wet baby to that in the middle of the night. It's bad enough that he works nights, so I'll have to manage things on my own from 8pm until 4:30am... right during the hours I'll be trying to sleep so I can get up in the morning for work/school. He gets out of this easy! My mom's taking the baby during the day so he'll have a blissfully long day of sleep without a child waking up to be fed and/or changed every couple of hours. That is, if I don't call to wake him up every few hours just to be a bitch. :)

Last but not least, my mom's bugging me with the constant "Are you sure it's a good idea to quit your job and start working part time so you can go to school?" Well, now that you mention it, not entirely, but if the fall semester goes badly, I'll be the first to admit it and find myself another full time job right after I have the baby. I'm not stupid. I know the limits to what I can and can not do and I've figured up the finances well enough to survive off Mike's salary, what I should earn at a part-time job (bare minimum), and financial aid money remaining after paying my tuition/fees/books. I think we can manage.

I'm afraid that if I were to put off going back to school until the "right time", I'll never finish my degree and I'll be stuck with a job that's entirely unfulfilling and completely lacking in intellectual stimulation for the rest of my working life, which is another 40+ years. No thanks. Finishing my education is ultimately the best thing for me and my family. It'll be tough getting there, but it will be so much more rewarding when all is said and done.
Eh, I'm sure I'll get over all of this soon enough, but people need to just let me be and have a little faith/trust in me to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. I can't stand people breathing on the back of my neck or peeking over my shoulder constantly. It drives me nuts!

On a more positive note, Baby L is still doing well according to the doppler. I think I managed to count the heartrate tonight and it seems to be about 150 bpm and as strong as ever. Our big ultrasound is on the 19th, so we're waiting to see if our feelings are correct and this is, in fact, a girl. Hopefully the kiddo puts on a good show for us... legs spread wide and far, please!!!!!